Monday, August 1, 2011

Out of Focus

Today it seems that so many things have caught up to me that I've tried to sweep under the rug or pretend they simply are not happening. My thoughts are consumed with kids who seem to be bent towards disobedience or partial obedience...but on their time scale. The 3-year-old whiney syndrome has hit our house in full force, and the frustration from it seems to deplete my energy and emotions on many days. The housework never seems to be complete, especially during these summer months. And speaking of summer months, the heat is ridiculous and there is no rain in sight to relieve us of this drought. There is never time for me...just me. I'm telling you, I have been in an awful place this morning and perhaps you have found yourself there at one time or another. Instead of focusing on my blessings, my flesh this morning definitely got the best of me. The best of me...what is that anyway? I feel like I have totally lost myself in marriage, in motherhood, in life.

Something else that has been ever present and hanging around me like a dark cloud is the untimely death of a friend, and husband to an even closer friend. The why's, the anger, the has all been there circulating around me. Without going into detail, it has shaken my faith more than anything in the past few years. Shaken, but not stolen.

While my mind was running rampant with selfish thoughts about my own feelings and how tired I am of this or how sick I am of that...I made a run to the donut store for the kids. The car was quiet and it was just me and the Lord and you can bet your bottom dollar that He was getting an ear full. As I pulled back into the garage, a song that I have not heard in many years...but can sing it by heart (at least the old Baptist hymnal version) ...began streaming through my mind. THANK YOU JESUS FOR THE REMINDER. I was immediately calm, repenting of my self-centeredness and claiming a new perspective for the day.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in his wonderful face
and the things of this world will go strangely dim
in the light of His fullness and grace."

I hope that I have totally lost me. I don't want me. I want Jesus. This world is not about me, it is about Jesus and reaching others for eternity. The sweet blessings, that are all so quiet at the moment, may be a drain on my strength and sanity...but God's word promises me restoration and He has never let me down. They are my ministry during this season. And their obedience? How many times has God had to wrangle my disobedient nature around so that He can sit down and talk with me? The housework...can I be any more blessed? I have a beautiful home that is 100% of God and his provision. Who am I to grumble about whether I can keep it clean or not. It is the same home that shelters us from the heat that I am fussing about. One that I am still grappling with but trust God to heal is the hurt and sorrow over death. I'm not sure I will ever understand this side of heaven, but keeping my eyes on Jesus I will find peace and comfort...and I know one day my understanding will be in full. Scripture also promises this! I turned my eyes upon Jesus, and the all of the things that were bogging me down...the things of this world... grew dim. my heart there is a song and on my face there is a smile. Thank you Jesus for your precious reminder. Thank your for your sacrifice so that I can come directly to you with "my life" and you can remind me that it is not my own. I gave it to you.